Just some thoughts I had a few weeks back:
There is something singularly satisfying about coming back from a long day and being able to wash your feet.
Sometimes I wonder if those who are truly happy are those who know how to have enough fun with themselves and show that off to others without caring about what those others think or whether or not they join in.
Is my life something that belongs to me? No, it is a jointly owned soul. Thousands of things take a part of my heart, my life, and demand a sacrifice from me. And when they are done, when these things no longer have any use for me, or are themselves pulled by some part of their own soul's ownership, it is then when I am left utterly alone, stunned by how unneeded I am, by how I can have no hold on anything but how amazingly owned I am. Neither do I reach out or take action. It is like that terrible kayak sickness that Annie Dillard relays from Peter Freuchen in her book "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek," "The Greenland fjords are peculiar for the spells of completely quiet weather, when there is not enough wind to blow out a match and the water is like a sheet of glass. The kayak hunter must sit in his boat without stirring a finger so as not to scare the shy seals away....The sun, low in the sky, sends a glare into his eyes, and the landscape around moves into the realm of unreal. The reflex from the mirror-like water hypnotizes him, he seems to be unable to move, and all of a sudden it is as if he were floating in a bottomless void, sinking, sinking, and sinking....Horror-stricken, he tries to stir, to cry out, but he cannot, he is completely paralyzed, he just falls and falls." I feel that way sometimes.
Thoughts from today:
I don't understand how a restaurant can be unable to get an order out onto a table, and even wose, how they cannot even begin to cook the order an hour after the order was put in. I was at Buffalo Wild Wings yesterday with friends, and what would have been a normal, fun, and relaxing evening with friends turned into a loud, noisy, frustrating (very frustrating) night. We left at 8:00 pm for BWW, put our order in at 8:17, and by 9:25 our order was fourth in line to be cooked. Fourth in line? I have work at 10:00! I can't wait around for this! What kind of establishment lets people sit around for that long? What takes this place so long to cook food? I'm not sure if I will ever go back there this year. That was just too ridiculous. So, now we are stuck with the task of finding a new place to go on Tuesdays that Megan will eat at, that is a wing place...because what is the point of wing night without wings?
At this point, I should be philosophizing with Socrates and my essy exam, writing my thoughts on Soc's view that all virtue is knowledge and Soc's account of justice in the Republic, but I, as of late, have not been able to bring myself to do that. Yesterday I worked pretty diligently on my Women in the Bible paper, but did not even start to write it. Oh wait, I got the first paragraph out, the introduction. What is it about school that I cannot like? What is it about my life that prevents me from loving it? Sometimes I feel like there are just too many hoops to jump through and I want to put the act down and stop. I want to be at college, and a want a college degree, but I'm tired of all of the work that I have to put into it. I'm tired of not being able to do all of the work I need to do, and I'm tired of doing the work I need to do. It's a toss up of wanting it all done at one point in time and not wanting to do it at many points in time. How can I convince myself of the worth of what I'm doing here? How can I motivate myself to do something that I am uninterested in? I am finding my interest gravitating towards Greek and my English class on philanthropy, but that is it. I find the other three classes that I have worked into my schedule to be tedious, not interesting enough, and not worth my time. Perhaps it is the texts we're reading, maybe it's the professors or the class discussion. I am taking a class with Prof. Neidner, and I love the class lectures, but I do not like the book we're reading at all. I find him to be a brilliant man who has an interesting window into the Bible, but the text we're reading is dry and nothing of interest to me. To some extent, I wish some classes would take use of modern books that have come ou; books that I am now just starting to be interested in. Why can't a university update itself? I can feel the dust settling on my degree here.
One of these days I will take charge of my life. I will make decisions for myself and I will do things without the approval of others. I will stride out into the world, decide things, and have my decisions work out. I will surround myself with the Lord and friends who are invested in him, too. I will trust others and have friends who give me reason to trust them. I will have a job that I love, a family who visits me, a modest home to live in, and a man who loves me like life itself. One of these days I will take care of myself and give God reason to believe that I am taking care of this gift he has given me. One of these days I won't be so confused about why I'm unhappy. I will simply know and I will act in such a way to remedy my meloncholy and I will not sit around, mope, and complain to others. But that day is not here, and I often cannot wait for that day to come. It is hard to tell myself that I need to stop waiting and start living.
To be fair, I really like a lot about my life. I am enjoying working; I am enjoying my internship; I am enjoying being a part of Sigma Tau Delta; I am really enjoying the speakers who come to talk at the Church Vocations Symposium; I am enjoying having Cortney for a roommate; I am enjoying our room, even though there have been lots of problems; I am enjoying the outdoors and the weather, even though I do not have time to enjoy it; I am enjoying learning a new language, even though there is a lot of work to put into it and even though I get confused a lot; I am enjoying cooking for myself, even though I still eat too often at the union; I am enjoying getting to know new people. I am enjoying life, but I am struggling with having to prove myself, with studying. I am feeling defeated by the education system and have no one to blame but myself. How do I deal with that?