katie_is_sam (katie_is_sam) wrote,

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It's Been Five Long Days...

I can't believe I've gone this long without writing.  I'm a little disappointed, but I've been tired recently.  I read in my book that writing should be like play, but it's been so long that it takes me a long time to remember what it's like to let go of myself and actually play.  It's a really hard thing to do for me, because I believe I've blocked out a lot of painful memories by not playing and forgetting what it's like to be a kid. 

I've had many revelations recently.  First and foremost, the longer I stay here in my parent's house, the less I recognize who I am.  Second, I'm getting more and more impatient to start my independent life.  Third, Ever After has the ability to make me cry just thinking about having no match of my own.  I just don't know if it's in the cards for me.  I really hope it is. 

I finished reading the second Wolves of Mercy Falls book, Linger, by Maggie Stiefvater.  It was good, but the next (and final) book doesn't come out until next July!  I can't believe I have to wait that long!!!  But I can completely understand the length of time.  It takes a long time to write a book.  I've never done it, but I can imagine the amount of work that goes into it.  

My thoughts keep going into this direction that I need to just pick up and leave my house, and start walking.  Doesn't matter where to, and doesn't matter how long I roam, but I need to get going.  My mind tells me that it will be better on the road, and that I will find what I've been looking for by traveling around.  I feel it rooted so firmly in me, that I wish I could shake it off.  I don't want to travel by foot.  I don't want to sleep on the ground, go without a shower, go without a bathroom...  There are so many modern conveniences that I count on that I just don't want to give up.  This is why I'm not out roaming.  Plus, I am worried for my safely.  Really, I just can't figure out exactly what's stopping me.  If I believe that God will provide for me while I'm on the road and trust in him, then why am I hesitating?  If this is where I need to be, then who am I to say no?  I really wish I could talk objectively to someone about this.  I mean, this is how God sent out his disciples.  He told them to take nothing but what they absolutely needed and to live off of the generosity of a place.  And if no one would take them in, then to shake the dust off their sandals as they left the town.  (http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew%2010&version=NIV)  I really feel that this is the next step for me, and it scares me to death.  What kind of life can I make out of that?  How can I really trust in the Lord to take care of me when I have nothing to take care of myself?  But that is exactly what he told his disciples.  Perhaps I should pick up Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book The Cost of Discipleship...  Maybe I should talk to my parish priest.  But I can't imagine getting any sound advice from there.  Then again, maybe I'm not giving them enough credit.  Perhaps I shall reach out to my adopted family and see what they say.  They've always been such a source of support for me.  I can't imagine my college life, or my adult life, for that matter, without them.  I feel so detached from everyone, now-a-days.  My life in college seems so far away, like I can't pick it up anymore.

I have to admit, I've been on the down side ever since talking with a close friend.  She gave me some advice that I would never have expected to hear from her, and it's exactly what everyone else has been telling me.  So, either I can no longer hear God's voice and have been ignoring him for the past few months, OR everywhere I turn there are more obstacles for me to jump over to truly follow God's path.  I've been praying the Prayer of Jabez for the past few weeks.  Maybe this is the answer to my prayer.  If so, then holy cow did he really enlarge my territory!

Life outside of major metaphysical dilemmas has been pretty average.  I worked for my dad a bit last week, finished the August newsletter for his company.  I need to fix up the pictures, now, because he says that they're stretched out and funny looking and it makes the entire newsletter look awful.  So I had to listen to a lecture on the proper way to shrink a picture.  Ugh.

I keep listening to the Ever After theme, thinking it will keep me in some inspired state, but really, all it's doing is reminding me of the giant decisions that are on my shoulders.  Kristen says to just live in the moment, in the present, and not think about the future.  But right now, when everyone wants to know what my future will be, it's SO hard.  I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I don't think about it.  My parents make me feel guilty enough if I don't work on it every day.  Do you see how hard it is to live in the moment?  This is why Ben gave me Annie Dillard to read all those years ago.  I need more of that, more focused attention throughout my day.  Less avoidance and tuning out.  Maybe one of these days I'll get it right.  :)

This isn't really the post I wanted to write, but it is what it is.  Hopefully it's not too weird for you all...  Any suggestions, post!
Tags: ever after, god's call, linger, matthew 10, relationships, traveling

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